modern day worships

Oh, didn’t I tell you? This is a migraine blog now.

I spent a good bit of time yesterday getting the notes I had in the book I was using in August and most of September into the digital file I’m keeping. I also made a calendar spread for the two months, and jotted in the days the migraine attacks happened. And yeah, it’s been 4 a month. There have been two that I managed to skip the pain phase on because I caught it in time, and that’s great, right? But here’s the thing: the pain is only part of the attack. Yeah, it’s the painful part of the attack, but it’s not the only life-disrupting part. Looking back at the things I’ve been calling tension headaches that I’m realizing have not been tension headaches and realizing that is all well and good, but documenting these things has me seeing that I also get migraine attacks with minimal pain at times, and that still sucks.

It sucks because of the mental fog that rolls in. And the inability to think properly. And having impaired judgment. And not being able to form words, or get my voice above a mumble. It sucks because of the exhaustion that hits, and the frustration that I’ve felt over these things because I didn’t realize this was all part of the attack, I thought I was just a failure at getting my shit together, a failure at being a person.

The current medicine helps in shortening the pain, and it seems to also shorten the migraine hangover phase. It doesn’t really do much for the prodrome phase, because, alas, the prodrome phase is the warning phase, if I’m awake to catch it. (Fun fact: mental fog and impaired judgment? Not the best bedfellows when trying to be alert to symptoms such as mental fog and impaired judgment.)

I dunno. Gleaning knowledge is good, right? And armed with knowledge, I can attempt to treat myself to some serious loving kindness when I’m in a migraine attack, and not beat myself up over having said attack and all that entails when I’m out of it. That’s a big deal. It’s still frustrating, and yeah, I’m going to bitch about it the whole way. And, hopefully I’m going to pursue preventative options, too. We’ll see.

I’m changing the way I talk about migraines to people, too. Mostly in that I’m bringing the term migraine attack into my vocabulary, and using that. I know that people who don’t understand them think: 1)they just really bad headaches (which, I don’t get, because really bad headaches? STILL BAD) 2)it’s just about the pain. Too, calling them what they are — attacks — remind me to treat myself gently. I can’t outwill it, I can only bunker down and ride it out.

Anyway. These are the thoughts I’m having today. Thanks for reading, and remember: migraines are assholes.

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