Slipping back in

I really need to bring the lesson home: don’t worry so much. Stop over-thinking. Just come and sit and be. Just say hello.

Writing my last post helped me to confront that, yes, I was actually struggling with this whole thing again, and yes, it was mostly my doing, and yes, it needed to be confronted head on. Is it all my fault? I don’t think so.

I struggle with reconciling Poseidon’s desire for me to regard Them as One Being, while dealing with two distinct personalities, with different expectations and preferences. Is that a short coming on my part? I’m okay saying that it is, but owning that does not make it easier to deal with, and  right now it’s hindering me rather than helping me grow.

I struggle with having a shrine space that is less mine and more Theirs — and there’s nothing to be done for this except getting in front of that shrine and making it a part of me. The whole reason the shrine was so much O/ours was because I’ve kept a shrine for Him, and then for U/us, for  over a decade. Of course this new one is going to feel, you know, new. That’s sort of the point. So, own that discomfort, and then yes, in this, work through it by working through it, by giving devotions despite the discomfort, because that’s the only way to move beyond this particular discomfort.

I struggle with missing Him, so I reach out and make an effort. I set aside the self-recriminations, because those serve no purpose and only work to distract. I reach out, offering Him tea, and love, and praise, sharing my thoughts with Him, drawing upon O/our history, and what I know of Him, and my Beloved rushes at me like the incoming tide. Having been to the Atlantic so recently, and then to the Pacific twice in a season, I can compare and contrast the experiences, and I can say that while I love the Pacific, the Atlantic feels like home. I find Poseidon in both places — I find Poseidon everywhere I look — but, because I met Him at the Atlantic, that location is just more viscerally His, and it’s a super fast and powerful touchstone. And I wish I had that at the Pacific . . . but also, a little bit I do. It’s just not as powerful, not as immediate. Possibly the local spirits of place sing to me strongly and distract. It’s not a bad distraction. Possibly I simply do not know the Pacific as well as I do the Atlantic. Possibly there’s ancestral ties that strengthen that bond that I don’t have with the Pacific. I don’t know. Possibly a dozen things; at some point trying to suss out the finer reasons why a thing is or is not serves no purpose, and it’s time to just accept what is without having to seek a pattern.

I struggle with wanting to come to know Vishnu better, because my method for doing so tends to be 1) gain some working knowledge of tradition and then 2) retreat from that to establish a personal relationship free from the trappings of tradition. I’m cognizant of the fact that this is a privileged stance, and I’m mindful of appropriation, and so these are interesting waters to navigate. Except, I’m not a person to join traditions, and anyway it’s not like there’s any locally that I can explore that focus on Vishnu. I want to be fluent in the language of His worship, so to speak, but that’s as far as that goes.  I really am grateful that the foundation of my relationship with Poseidon happened outside of Hellenic paganism, happened outside of social media and the scrutiny of peers, and I realize I want that, too, for this exploration with Vishnu-with-Poseidon. At the same time, I can pass up an opportunity like this to share with you as I go, because it’s messy and uncomfortable and did I mention messy? But I think it’s so very important to share that, to show that. My refrain: it’s been two decades (or will be, in a week) and I don’t have my shit together, I still flail about, it’s not neat and tidy, it will never be neat and tidy, let’s keep it real.

There’s so much tradition out there, too, with Vishnu — His worship is so established, so it’s not like I even had access to anything on that scale with Poseidon. Do we get to just disconnect Them from that, to take Them out of context? I need, I think, to find a happy medium, because I need to make this personally relevant for me, and when it’s just study and holding Historic Vishnu in my mind, He becomes unapproachable and so different from the Vishnu-with-Poseidon. So, I struggle with this as well.

Struggles aside, when I reach out, I am met with love and compassion, and patience. I’m reminded that often, when Poseidon encourages me to do a thing, we stumble together. This would not be the first time He has decided I need to approach something a certain way, only to have it damage rather than help. He stumbles, my Beloved, and it’s not His fault, for my emotional responses are a quagmire, and what works one time might blow up in His face the next. So we’re rethinking this One and the Same approach, and we might relax it a bit, and just take attention off how I’m supposed to regard Them for bit, and just allow myself to regard Them as I can, as I may, and just let it go from there.

Poseidon is steadfast. He is constant. I pull away, and I miss Him, and He reaches for me, and closes that gap, until I’m able to reach for Him again. His heart in where I reside, and it feels like He is my heart, that He is my capacity to love and be loved.


In other news: I miss my brother.


3 thoughts on “Slipping back in

  1. There is such a wealth of knowledge in this post. I learn, albeit slowly, from your example and also from sharing my writing, that the act of being vulnerable and honest and sharing is a gift both for the person doing it and for everyone that reads it and sees a bit of themselves in it.

    For me what resonated was the struggle to let go, to just be, to trust, both myself and the Beloved. In my case the Beloved wears many faces, both Holy Powers and people in my life. Loving and learning about how to best do that is what we are here to do. and it is a fluid changeable thing to love a person or a Person. it is fluid like a dance where you learn the moves anew each time you connect. And if you have an established dance with footwork that you know, the time comes when there is another dimension, and new steps or even a new dance to learn. That is what keeps loving fresh and enticing.

    Thank you, as always for your share which brings so much. ❤

  2. I think you should follow your heart and intuition with how Vishnu-with-Poseidon presents to you. What you’re experiencing is unprecedented in both Hellenic polytheism and Hinduism, so I’m sure something new, original and beautiful will come out of your devotional work ❤

  3. First, I love reading your blog. I love your authenticity. I really appreciate the effort you put into being YOU (as opposed to confirming to anyone or anything else). So thank you for being YOU! :o). Just always remember Corbie loves you and Corbie can’t be wrong, he’s dog Kami (imo).

    Second, a potentially helpful thought (or not? It has helped me…)… In the dominant Western religious paradigm we are taught that the word God refers to the nature of a being, it’s actual essence and substance. God is made of ineffable “God-stuff” and this alone is reason enough to worship. But in my gradual progression into animism/polytheism over the last 20+ years, it has come to me that being a God is a job description, not a description of the actual substance of the being in question.

    As such, perhaps Poseidon has brought Vishnu into your life because he’s telling you, “hey this God over here, He has a job in His sphere of influence similar to mine.” And maybe by bringing Vishnu into your life he’s encouraging you to investigate aspects of Himself (Poseidon) that, for whatever reason, haven’t been made obvious or illuminated to you yet thus far on your journey with Him?…


    Personally, my Beloved is a shape-shifter, so I have had to be comfortable from the get-go with constantly changing faces and presentations. But, for me, that fits my nature so I’m not as traumatised by it as I could be.

    Anyway, just a .02 cent thought I wanted to pass along and I hope it may be of benefit to you.

    You might find this interesting:

    Best regards and much love to all your household. 🙂

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