Confessions; or: Keeping It Real

I just had the bestest visit ever–my brother and his partner took a road trip, and spent three days with us, for his 30th birthday. (Yeah, I can’t even with that, right now. Just, no.) We ventured to the coast, and had the best coastal trip ever, too. No time limits, and them poking around and watching stuff  and exploring just as much as we were. Sunburn, windburn, and sandburn all happened, but I don’t care. It was fucking awesome.

Beth remarked a few times that my brother is just like me. “I knew you were similar, because you get along so well, but you’re like twins separated by eight years.” They left, and we miss them.

Spending time at the coast was . . . interesting. I’m not going to lie; I’m apparently not doing all that well with my relationship with Poseidon. And, I mean that *I* am not doing well —  it’s all my own doing. I’ve been neglecting devotion, I’ve been neglecting including Him in my thoughts, for some time. A bit when we had Beth’s daughter out in May, but really a lot because of the Vishnu thing. We’re . . . tugging back and forth, a bit, over how I’m to regard Him, and while I appreciate that Poseidon wants there to be a fundamental understanding that this particular Vishnu is very similar to Him/is Him, apparently I’m wired hard enough that it’s just fucking up my ability to  get there. Tell me that You can slip into that mask easily enough; tell me that You’re spirit-kin, tell me that water conforms to the container it is in, tell me that the lines between You and Him are blurry and porous . . . but don’t feel so different and expect me to have an easy time with things. Don’t tell me to think of You as the same being, and then express such contrary preferences.

I’ve already dropped pretty much all contextual research, which is what I did when I first started getting to know Poseidon, and that helped. But it’s still difficult, and it causes me to distance myself, and I’m feeling that, and I hate it. So I’m working on it.

There’s distance, too, because of the project I started for Him, that I’m now wondering if I’m going to continue. And, I’m going to continue, but the idea of getting all of it done this year is ambitious and burn-out-y, and I’m easing up on my self imposed deadline.

Possibly, I had company for a number of days and I’m tired now.

Also, if I had any doubt that I’ve developed arthritis in my right hand, those doubts are banished. Ouch.

Twenty years into this relationship. It’s amusing, in a detached way, to see that I still struggle with just making sure that I put the time and attention into it that there needs to be. It’s amusing to see that it’s just like any other relationship, in that way.

I hate missing Him. I hate when it’s my own damn fault.

 

2 thoughts on “Confessions; or: Keeping It Real

    • ooh. I’d forgotten all about hematite. It’s one of the few I get on with. Will look into this. Thank you!

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