Some days, I don’t recognize myself.

I’m sort of obsessed with this right now, just because it’s so apparent to me, and it’s touching every facet of  my life.

I don’t recognize myself.

It’s small things. Like, finding that I want to constantly be working on projects. Covers, editing, writing new material, shrine revamping — it’s all I can think about.

It’s small things, like being able to get out of bed and be joking around with Beth almost immediately. Or being able to articulate “I’m not a person right now, please don’t talk to me like I am,” instead of biting her head off.

It’s small things, like accidentally deleting the folder that has my ready to be uploaded file and cover, and having to reformat and remake the cover, and instead of crying and going to bed and deciding that I’m done with everything and being overwhelmed, I curse at myself, and then spend an hour fixing a mistake I made.

It’s small things, like being able to say, ” Oh, these projects I wanted to finish for ages? I did them, finally.”

I still get overwhelmed, but not as quickly, and not as deeply, and instead of berating myself for being weak and useless, I recognize that I’m overwhelmed, and that I need to rest, and then? Then, I rest. And it’s better, and soon.

It’s small things, like being able to come home from work annoyed and frustrated, and climbing into bed, and having the boys press tight against me, and not being annoyed and skin-crawly because they’re all too close, too near, too much.  Instead I can fall into the boy jumble, and let the purring and the press of small bodies soothe me.

It’s small things. But it’s huge.

13 thoughts on “Some days, I don’t recognize myself.

  1. ((all the hugs!))
    Also I kinda want to say how happy I am to see you back blogging ‘cos I’ve missed “seeing” you around, but I know it’s temporary with all the things coming up for you so I don’t want you to feel bad when it naturally goes back to being on pause, but I still want to say I’m happy to “see” you, so can I do that?🙂

    • Aww, thank you!

      I’ve been quiet, and I’ve disliked being so quiet, but I’ve also liked it, in that I’m getting Stuff Done, instead of just being a mess about stuff. Er. So, yes, you can do that!🙂

  2. First time I went on medication, I turned round to my husband and went “Is this how you feel *all the time*? No wonder you do so much!”

    It’s like the sun coming up. I’m so glad to hear you’re getting to experience it.

    • Two months in, going on three, and it’s still a bit earth-shaking. I’m having to be careful, because really all I’m thinking about are writing projects all the time, and I need to not burn myself out, but it’s great. I’ve finished things that it would typically take me all year to get around to. It’s surreal.

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