I’ve been quiet and withdrawn for a few months now. In part, I’ve been adjusting to life with medication that helps keep everything from being super overwhelming. In part, I’ve been working over time at the day job and have had precious little time to spare for being around on line. In part, I’m dealing with the upcoming vigil and the heaviness it brings with it.
Let’s keep it real, shall we?
I started participating in the YouTube Pagan Challenge, because I wanted there to be polytheist voices represented, and because I was hoping that if I did it, others would too — and that totally happened, and I’m super excited that that happened. I haven’t been watching, though. I haven’t recorded anything in months. At first, it was because I was dealing with the depression (depression that made no sense, because everything was fine, and if I wasn’t this depressed before when it wasn’t why was I now??) and dealing with the increased pressure to really, no for real, introduce Vishnu and Co into my devotions and really face this whole Vishnu-with-Poseidon thing. And then I was back east to visit family, and that was wonderful and awful and way too short, and then I was home and appreciating the quiet. (I love my family, I really, really do, but the having to be on all the time is exhausting, and I know it’s because they miss me, and I miss them, and I’m not upset about being on socializing mode for that long, but it’s exhausting!) And then Beth’s daughter was out with her partner, and that was awesome, that was the best visit ever, and Corbie was over the moon for her partner, and then there was a ton of work and more work, and also writing, and not a whole lot to speak about on the religion front, and really, do I have anything worthwhile to say?
I had not one but TWO of my dearest friends express admiration for my sharing myself in my videos, and I have to admit that that contributed to the freeze-up of said videos. And now, now I feel so behind that I don’t even know about catching up, and there’s so much I want to talk about, and where do I even start?
So, instead, I buried myself in my writing. I’ve learned to make covers, and while they’re not super-sophisticated, they serve the purpose, and I think they’re pretty, and I think they’re “me” — already, they look like mine, they look like you can see them and say, oh, that’s Jolene’s book/story.
I’m happy. I don’t know that I’ve ever really been happy. Sustained happiness, where I get to look forward to things, instead of looking forward to having done the things. The first real exciting day I had, I think, was the trip to the coast with Corbie. I was so happy to be able to take him with us, I think I was more excited than he was. That’s the first day I really experienced what I think other people experience as happiness or happy-excitement. And it’s sobering, to experience that and realize that you can’t remember experiencing that before.
So, having help with the depression has been a relief — but it’s also made me turn inward, because it’s a quiet sort of horror, to realize how much of a fight everything has always, always been, and to realize that I’ve assumed that was normal.
Beth and I never fight any more. We snap, because who doesn’t get snibbish? I’m still a grouchy morning person, and I still have a hard time switching thoughts in midstream — but we don’t fight. I catch myself, or she catches herself, and we’re able to say, “Oh, hey, I didn’t mean X, I meant Y, and also, that tone wasn’t right, and I’m sorry.” And wonder of wonders, I can let it go when she does it, instead of digging in and digging in and digging in.
And that’s sobering. It makes me grateful for her, and it makes me sad for her, for how I’ve must have been.
I’m dismantling my shrine for Poseidon. How’s that for attention grabbing? 😉 All along, it’s been our space, His and mine. It has keepsakes, little found objects that I’ve received as signs or confirmation or reassurances. Gifts from people. It’s gotten quite crowded over the years. He is serious about Vishnu-through-Poseidon, Vishnu-with-Poseidon, and He wants the space to be welcoming to Vishnu, and so. So. Down will come all the flotsam and jetsam (see what I did there?), the various Poseidon representations I have, the sea water, the sand. Beginning with the Vigil, I’ll be opening the shrine to Vishnu, as well, and since W/we want Him to be comfortable, I’ll be taking the shrine down to essentials: a cloth, a statue, candles, libation cup, incense. This will begin a year of inviting Vishnu to my rituals for Poseidon, and possibly incorporating some of His, as well.
Am I scared? How can I be? Poseidon has given me nothing but reason after reason as to why I can trust Him. Am I nervous? Yes. I’m nervous that dismantling the shrine and setting it up differently is going to be emotionally taxing — and I’m also looking forward to it, because I get too set in my ways, and I never want to be, to the point that it gets in the way.
Yes, there will be pictures forthcoming.
You may have noticed, I also have a wee book project in the works — I’ll be writing little bits about my various festivals for/with Him, and publishing them as we go — again, starting with the Vigil. They won’t be long, or complex, and the point will be — I hope — to encourage people to create what they need, as they need it. I thought for a while, maybe I’m trying to build a tradition for Poseidon. But, I’m not. With the clarity that lifted depression brings, I see that I just want to keep building up. I want to share where I’ve been, in case it helps others. And I have some of this on my blog, but posts get buried.
So, a bit disjointed, but something of an update. I figured I’d inundated everyone with book posts for a bit, so you deserved actual substance, too.