Relationships are on my mind this morning. Between Beth’s newly-articulated (yet growing for a while) relationship with the Morrigan, and my growing relationship with Durga, and the perennial conversation that occurs in the pagan blogosphere regarding labels, I find myself contemplating terms and relationship dynamics.
There is no doubt that I have affection that does not quite make logical, rational sense towards Durga. I wasn’t looking for a new relationship, I wasn’t looking to add to my worship — except, Poseidon made noise about Vishnu, so in a way I guess I was, but not like this. Maybe I should have? At least, what with Pops and His Family, I’m conditioned to at least, if not expect, then be open to the possibility, that One does not necessarily come alone. Even with Poseidon, eventually Hekate was brought into my awareness and worship happened.
Once I surrendered my need to understand and to category what my relationship with Her was going to be, it began to unfold. Once I set aside the need to “do it properly”, communication opened up. She’s already taught me many important lessons about polytheism that I’m embarrassed to admit I hadn’t yet truly taken to heart. I talk a good game about letting the Powers lead you, or at least having the relationships be guided by the relationships, but sometimes I still fail at getting out of my own way. She’s taught me that just because one may have a long-established shrine practice with one Power does not mean that all shrine practices are going to be same. She reminded me that They, in fact, do know more about this than I ever could. It’s been good.
At the same time, She’s introduced me to a deeper level of genuine, detached-from-judgment compassion than I’ve experienced before. But, would I call myself a devotee?
I don’t know, yet, I guess. From where I am now, I certainly want the relationship to continue, and it has a feel to it that they don’t always have. Without a doubt, I’m an admirer. Without a doubt, I’m honored by Her touch upon my life. Trying the word devotee on for size, and right now, all I can really say is, I’m a student of Hers, more than anything else, and a newly-enrolled one, at that.
I’m certainly stabilizing. I’m still sleepy, and I’m allowing myself a rest period, because my mind has been driving me a bit batty for a while. That said, I’ve noticed an up-tick in interests, this week. I managed to read a chapter of a non-fiction book, and it’s been months and months since I managed to sit and just *read*, so that’s nice. Chapter Three of When Worlds Collide went out yesterday morning, after I promised myself I would send it out when I got home from work yesterday afternoon instead. Time does a weird thing with me, when I’m dealing with anxiety. I tend to want to horde it. ‘I only have 30 minutes until I have to leave, I need to rest and prepare!’ I was ready to leave for the day job, and I had time, and I was trying a new way of sending out the files, and it took all of maybe ten minutes to attach the files and send them out, and I did it, and it was done. (Which is good, because I got home yesterday and crashed). I have an outline done on the first booklet of a series of booklets I’m planning on releasing. And, I’m bursting out into random song, so it’s good. It’s good.
River, today, if the weather allows. Errands. Reading. Tea.