The plan for right now is: find a counselor to talk to (though, not sure if want, and really, not sure if *need*. I *know* the things — I know my cycle, I know my reactions, I know the things I need to have in place to help mitigate them, just like I know that it’s not a weakness on my part that I have anxiety and depression. It’s not like this is unexplored territory. The tools I have work, when the anxiety is not taking over everything.); start taking some medication to help deal with the mood swings, and check back in two weeks.
There are no psychiatrists in the city that are accepting new patients, so that’s interesting. And it may not be possible to find a counselor in the city that accepts my health insurance, so it may be a moot point anyway. Am going to try, just because it’s part of the plan and I agreed that I would, and I’ve never done it before and so why not? We’ll see.
There was a five or six questionnaire about the depression crap, and I took that, so we can compare in six months. It was very hard being honest, and I’m glad Beth was with, if for no other reason. It’s not *always* bad, and over the course of, say months, it looks kind of okay (from my perspective? Maybe? Sort of? Because I know it’s not EVERY day?) but when taken in smaller time intervals, it’s bad. In the past two weeks, how often have I had no interest or pleasure in the things I usually enjoy? Well, interest always, with a pressure to DO THE THINGS, but there’s no pleasure, because I can never live up to that pressure’s expectations of what I need to do. Over sleeping? Yes. Can’t concentrate on things? Yes! Impacting life? I can go to work and do the things, but the safe relationships I have, the safest one I have, has gotten wretched, because of how I am. Beth is awesome, and she knows this, and she does not take it personally — but it can’t be easy. I *know* there is sometimes eggshell walking, and I hate that so much.
Medication starts today (woohoo!) and we’ll go from there.
I’m behind on email, and that’s not going to get better right now.
I’m behind on the YouTube Pagan Challenge, and likewise, that’s not going to get better until my next day off.
I have to run errands for the household, and for the store. I’m swinging by the thrift store on my way, and I may see about buying a book, because I deserve a book now. Even if I have no interest in reading much these days.
Bright side: my doctor was very nice, very understanding, and encouraging. Better yet: Luna’s canine counterpart, Luna, was there. Luna is a sweet, sweet dog, little and grey, and sweet.
And, I only almost cried twice!