I’m not okay right now.

Let’s just file this under Keeping It Real, shall we?

It’s been building for a while. I haven’t written any substantial fiction since the wee beginning of January – I’d wanted to have WWC totally done (and it’s dancing at close to done as I write) long before now. I’d wanted to have moved on to the second story. I look at Beth, and I keep wanting to be motivated the way she is, and I’m not. Instead, I’m tired all the time, and when I’m not tired I’m exhausted, and generally apathetic about my goals. I’m overwhelmed almost all the time, and I’m struggling to find ways to decompress in a house that is always bustling with noise and activity. (I’ve started weekly walks to the river, and that seems to help, but I need something more.) Meditation only helps so much, because much of the over stimulation is  stress carried home from the day job (nothing bad, just the stress of being understaffed at the present) and there is no quiet to be had in my house anyway. None. Ever.

I’ve got my eyes on that course I wrote about, and I’m excited about it  — but my mind is already whispering why it’s stupid to sign up for it, if I do, when it opens for enrollment, because I get overwhelmed so easily from outside pressure, so why do I think I can do this? I already know that I’ll be dropping pretty much everything during the course. (Warning you now: if I get in, correspondence is going to become even  less reliable than it currently is). I’ve spent the last week feeling like I wanted to claw out of my skin, and yesterday was spent fighting with Beth and resisting the desire to self-harm. (I’m less of  a cutter and more of a slam my head into walls sort of person.)

My plans for my days off were simple: get my taxes done, write some on the story, grocery shop. That’s it. Simple.

I grocery shopped. That’s it. That’s what I managed.

Frustrated. I can say, well, work and schedule all over the place, and stress, and so nice walk decompressing by the river was important — and it’s true, it’s true! But, I’m always tired. I’m always on the verge of being overwhelmed. It never  goes away.

And that’s not true. I know it’s not. But it’s been a while, and it’s hard.

#

I’m not okay. It feels hopeless. It feels pointless. Deciding that I really, truly want to focus on the writing in a serious way means that I’m deciding to set the devotional stuff aside (it doesn’t, not really, but serious, focused study would take a backseat.) I need ritual, and study fuels me, but writing is also very spiritual for me. I’m realizing that keeping at my daily devotions and writing is important, and the rest can fit in when and how it can, and that’s good enough. But those feelings that convince I suck because I can’t manage it all, equal, are strong, and hard to navigate through right now.

Normally, I trust Poseidon instead of my feelings. Normally, detachment  from them is the goal, but I’m thick in their grasp, and they’re heavy, and it’s hard.

#

Beth brings up medication again, and she’s right. I keep saying, ‘Let me try to deal with this on my own,’ because having to talk to someone not family about this is undesirably. I don’t want to. I’d rather be in this moment, in this feeling, than have to do that. It’s not their business, and I don’t want to.

I feel that, if I could shake the tired-all-the-time feeling, if I could get back to a point of “it doesn’t matter, so I’m going to do what I WANT TO DO,” I’d be okay. But I only ever want to be in bed, these days. And, I want to honor burn out and exhaustion and not turn myself into a productivity machine, because I don’t like that solution, either, so I resist.

VitD helps with this, a lot. So much. I remember, when I was taking it (and the mag, to cut down on migraines) that  the depression, the want to stay in bed all the time and just distract myself, was less. It was easier to overcome. Beth says that medication might help, and it would, and I’ve done that before — but it requires taking pills every day, and  I already don’t keep doing that with the VitD, so how much would it really help?

This is my last attempt to deal with this on my own, which is why I’m sharing. Going back to the supplements that I know help, and we’ll see if I stay on top of that. (I have loved ones, right now, who may be laughing — how much do I nag about regular medication taking with them? Do I stay on top of my own? HA!) If I can’t, or I don’t, it’s time to pony up and go talk to my doctor.

New writing goals: get WWC done before I head back east.

New tax goals: pay someone to do them for me. (too many forms, it’s too confusing, I can’t handle it right now.)

New professional goals: take the fucking course if it comes up again, and allow that you’re going to be prickly about doing something new and having people SEEING YOU do something new. Do it anyway.

Have I mentioned how awesome Beth is? On Wednesday I popped off on her because she offered advice when I wanted her to just listen. “Stop trying to help and fix things unless I ask for it!!” Yesterday, it was the opposite. “Why can’t you see that I need help with this? Do I really have to ask for it??” Maybe not,  Jo, but you do need to be consistent, damn it.

12 thoughts on “I’m not okay right now.

  1. I think you need to listen to Beth on this one. You should look seriously into seeing a psychiatrist; they should be able to help you find some medication that can help. I realize that there’s nothing I could say to convince you that this might be a good time to seek help but I’m your friend and I love you and I want you to be healthy. Nothing that you’ve described is healthy – I speak from vast personal experience.

    • *muttermumblemutter*

      Bare minimums have been agreed upon. (Shower every day. Morning tea, even when incense is too much. Supplements.) I need to suspend value-judgments. (I don’t actually suck if this is all I can manage; that’s not helpful or useful) and get back to being okay.

      I do not want to talk to my primary care about this, and I’ll need to, to either see if she can/will rx something, or to get a referral to a psychatrist — which I should maybe see *anyway*. That I don’t want to talk to her about this means I need to figure out if it’s her (and it is, to a point, but it’s her because of how she is with Beth, not how she is with me) and/or find a new pcp. The *least* overwhelming thing right now is to make an appt to go see her and go from there. So, that’s what I’ll do, once I get my schedule for the next week, which is tonight.

      Damn it.

  2. (((((❤ ))))))

    New tax plan: have Beth do them. Because gods know they're a hell of a lot simpler than my own taxes, and I'm gonna use TurboTax anyway.😉


  3. From having read your blog for a few years now, it seems like this time of year is slow anyway. You start off with plans and then they slide. I understand because that's pretty much me too.

    Lots of love to you, Jo!❤❤❤

  4. *All of the hugs*
    I wound up with fairly severe clinical depression two years ago, so I have some idea of how you feel right now. It sucks, and getting through it sucks, but we’ll all be around to help you if we can, and try and make it suck less.

  5. This year for me has been shit. That’s understating it. I have never felt so alone and inhuman because of my mental health. THIS post and YOU in writing it have helped mitigate that right now so freaking much I don’t have the words. I wish so hard life was better for you, but at the same time I’m so grateful that you wrote/I read this. Even while feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, you are a beacon of light and hope in the darkness, for a lot of people. Just by being you. This is not something you DO; you just ARE by being you.

    If meds can help you have more energy – and you absolutely DO deserve to have more energy – why not try them? I freely acknowledge that not needing meds is better than needing meds, but we live with what we have. Having more energy doesn’t mean you should do more stuff, either. You get to have more energy and to spend that energy on you and doing things you want to do, for you. Because you’re awesome.

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