Let’s just file this under Keeping It Real, shall we?
It’s been building for a while. I haven’t written any substantial fiction since the wee beginning of January – I’d wanted to have WWC totally done (and it’s dancing at close to done as I write) long before now. I’d wanted to have moved on to the second story. I look at Beth, and I keep wanting to be motivated the way she is, and I’m not. Instead, I’m tired all the time, and when I’m not tired I’m exhausted, and generally apathetic about my goals. I’m overwhelmed almost all the time, and I’m struggling to find ways to decompress in a house that is always bustling with noise and activity. (I’ve started weekly walks to the river, and that seems to help, but I need something more.) Meditation only helps so much, because much of the over stimulation is stress carried home from the day job (nothing bad, just the stress of being understaffed at the present) and there is no quiet to be had in my house anyway. None. Ever.
I’ve got my eyes on that course I wrote about, and I’m excited about it — but my mind is already whispering why it’s stupid to sign up for it, if I do, when it opens for enrollment, because I get overwhelmed so easily from outside pressure, so why do I think I can do this? I already know that I’ll be dropping pretty much everything during the course. (Warning you now: if I get in, correspondence is going to become even less reliable than it currently is). I’ve spent the last week feeling like I wanted to claw out of my skin, and yesterday was spent fighting with Beth and resisting the desire to self-harm. (I’m less of a cutter and more of a slam my head into walls sort of person.)
My plans for my days off were simple: get my taxes done, write some on the story, grocery shop. That’s it. Simple.
I grocery shopped. That’s it. That’s what I managed.
Frustrated. I can say, well, work and schedule all over the place, and stress, and so nice walk decompressing by the river was important — and it’s true, it’s true! But, I’m always tired. I’m always on the verge of being overwhelmed. It never goes away.
And that’s not true. I know it’s not. But it’s been a while, and it’s hard.
I’m not okay. It feels hopeless. It feels pointless. Deciding that I really, truly want to focus on the writing in a serious way means that I’m deciding to set the devotional stuff aside (it doesn’t, not really, but serious, focused study would take a backseat.) I need ritual, and study fuels me, but writing is also very spiritual for me. I’m realizing that keeping at my daily devotions and writing is important, and the rest can fit in when and how it can, and that’s good enough. But those feelings that convince I suck because I can’t manage it all, equal, are strong, and hard to navigate through right now.
Normally, I trust Poseidon instead of my feelings. Normally, detachment from them is the goal, but I’m thick in their grasp, and they’re heavy, and it’s hard.
Beth brings up medication again, and she’s right. I keep saying, ‘Let me try to deal with this on my own,’ because having to talk to someone not family about this is undesirably. I don’t want to. I’d rather be in this moment, in this feeling, than have to do that. It’s not their business, and I don’t want to.
I feel that, if I could shake the tired-all-the-time feeling, if I could get back to a point of “it doesn’t matter, so I’m going to do what I WANT TO DO,” I’d be okay. But I only ever want to be in bed, these days. And, I want to honor burn out and exhaustion and not turn myself into a productivity machine, because I don’t like that solution, either, so I resist.
VitD helps with this, a lot. So much. I remember, when I was taking it (and the mag, to cut down on migraines) that the depression, the want to stay in bed all the time and just distract myself, was less. It was easier to overcome. Beth says that medication might help, and it would, and I’ve done that before — but it requires taking pills every day, and I already don’t keep doing that with the VitD, so how much would it really help?
This is my last attempt to deal with this on my own, which is why I’m sharing. Going back to the supplements that I know help, and we’ll see if I stay on top of that. (I have loved ones, right now, who may be laughing — how much do I nag about regular medication taking with them? Do I stay on top of my own? HA!) If I can’t, or I don’t, it’s time to pony up and go talk to my doctor.
New writing goals: get WWC done before I head back east.
New tax goals: pay someone to do them for me. (too many forms, it’s too confusing, I can’t handle it right now.)
New professional goals: take the fucking course if it comes up again, and allow that you’re going to be prickly about doing something new and having people SEEING YOU do something new. Do it anyway.
Have I mentioned how awesome Beth is? On Wednesday I popped off on her because she offered advice when I wanted her to just listen. “Stop trying to help and fix things unless I ask for it!!” Yesterday, it was the opposite. “Why can’t you see that I need help with this? Do I really have to ask for it??” Maybe not, Jo, but you do need to be consistent, damn it.