I’ve been running a bit ragged lately. I can point to reasons why. I’ve talked about them: I worked 8 days straight. I have a mental to-do list that won’t be checked off for months, but keeps looping through my head. I’m coming off of my period, and my cycle is an uber fun one, and oh, hey, I haven’t been all that great about staying on top of my medication to help deal with that, and my last one was super emotional and fun.
I thought, with resting last weekend, that I would be a bit better, but I get to the point where I don’t even know how to seek out the things that nourish me. I want to be distracted from my doldrums, and then the distraction becomes part of the problem, because I don’t take time to get actual rest that is restful, and a cycle of exhaustion is created. Suddenly I’m just trying to maintain and get through the day rather than digging deeper into finding nourishment.
Yesterday, as I was gearing up to go grocery shopping, I realized that having a place to jot down that list so that I could get it out of my head (it’s mostly stuff that can’t/won’t be taken care of right away, and I don’t need to carry it around) could be extremely useful, so I fired up Evernote to do just that.
Neech, who likes to touch, but isn’t a snugglebug, except for when he is, planted himself between myself and the computer, folded himself in my arms, and tucked his head in the crook of my elbow, and turned on his purr box.
Instead of making my list, I held my cat, and he rested his head on me, and wrapped a paw around my arm, and breathed. I buried my face against his neck, and got his fur all over my face, and just breathed. And he reminded me that my restlessness does not stem from exhaustion, but that my exhaustion and restlessness both stem from not being in right relationship with Those dear to me. That I’m reaching for things outside of myself, when I already have what I need within. That I’m attempting to tie myself in knots in order to do things ‘properly’, when in fact They are not asking me to be other than who I am. I decide that I need to be a certain way before I can do a certain thing, when in reality They want authenticity, and a willingness to be vulnerable and uncertain, a willingness to stumble.
I’m not totally off course. I just get into the books and the study, and I forget or neglect the experience. The actual relationships.
My witch cat (or am I his familiar) helped me remember that I need to take time to have the experiences and get my nose out of the books and my attention out of what’s going on in my brain. Thanks, Neech!
also, I made a new video: