I’m over-thinking things. I know I am.
Do I treat You as seperate and distinct? You say, ‘Maybe I’m also Vishnu,’ and my mind wants to understand this in a tied-down way. I want a graph, I want a visual diagram, I want classifications that resemble taxonomy. My mind is already striving to shove this into a pattern. I have this neat story in my mind about how Poseidon is an incarnation of Vishnu who got tired of people, got depressed, wanted to be alone for a bit, and went on vacation to the Mediterranean. It’s a neat story, and I enjoy it, but it’s also just a story, because how can we really understand Their reality in its fullness?
So, when I was struggling with this yesterday, and struggling by getting what I needed to get the print up so I could have it on my wall, staring me in the face during my devotions, and I was holding on to my fears, and I was waiting for the bus, it was not Poseidon who asked, “Why are you so fearful?”, but rather Krishna. And I over-think. Was it really, or was it a projection of my mind? Was it really, or was it just because I’d been reading about Him? Was it really, or was it one of the Krishna underling type People, because gods are busy, and why would I merit His attention? If it was, really, and if Poseidon and Vishnu overlap enough that Poseidon says, ‘also Vishnu’ to it (without my even asking mind you, because I was not expecting this!), and Krishna is an avatar of Vishnu’s . . . then, so was it Poseidon wearing a different face? Am I now at a place where I warrant that sort of treatment because I’m so caught up in the struggle??
I came away from that, after the crying and sitting with these minute shatterings that are happening within my heart and my soul, deciding that the easiest way at the moment to deal with this is to treat Them as all distinct. Or, you know. In my mind, it’s easy to hold overlap between Vishnu and Poseidon, and between Vishnu and Krishna, but really hard between Krishna and Poseidon.
I came home thinking about formality. I was reminded rather forcefully that ritual does good things for me, and that I’ve been not really doing anything towards that since my leg started acting up in 2014, and it’s a lot better now, and so, hey. I’m starting to look forward to getting the shrine space officially opened for Durga and Vishnu and Lakshmi and Ganesh. I angst a bit about that — I want to incorporate things They like and that are familiar to Them — but I’m going to be a Poseidon devotee also offering Them reverence. So, I’m going to worry less about doing it 100% correct ,and I’m going to get back to what I know — which is that if I make a mistake, They’ll let me know, and in the meantime, maybe just enjoy the getting to know e/Each other phase.
I’ve decided that I will approach worship a bit more formally than I do, at the new shrine when it’s up. I’m not starting out with bells and whistles. (Well, maybe bells.) I do want to do an ‘official opening’ of it (is it an instillation if there are no icons, just images?) and when I tried to put my foot down about chants (“I’m not doing any non-English chanting!”, which was supposed to mean, no chanting, I’ll mess it up and make a fool of myself! ) Poseidon jumped on that loop-hole like whoa. ‘Okay. Only in English, that’s fine.’ Ergh.
For this morning, Vishnu received incense, too. Informally, in the same manner than Poseidon gets it in the morning, and Vishnu-at-Poseidon’s-shrine will be treated to the same degree of informality as Poseidon is, to get this connection between Them into a comfortable place in my mind and my approach. Vishnu-at-the-other-shrine will be treated to more formality. So far, so good.
I need a drink 😉