(Or, thoughts on Vishnu, dreams of Poseidon)
I’ve posted two more videos to my Youtube channel, one talking about Poseidon dropping the Vishnu bombshell and my general angst over that, and the other talking about the books I’m currently reading. If you want to read about the Vishnu bombshell, please see this post. (In fact, for my own ease of mind, maybe I’ll get a page tossed up with those posts on them, just cuz. At some point. Maybe. Cuz.) I’m feeling incredibly uncomfortable posting videos of myself talking about my path and my devotion and Poseidon and just my life, but I’m realizing that I’m uncomfortable because it’s outside of the realm of what I do, and not because it’s something I don’t want to talk about. I’ve been waiting FOR YEARS for people to start talking about and making videos about Poseidon and how awesome He is and it’s not happening, and maybe it will, but in the meantime? I’m going to do it.
It’s difficult/uncomfortable to stick to my keep it real motto over there, in terms of showing my vulnerability. When I do that here, in writing, it’s easier to shape it, to make it tidy, to have it be the way I want it presented, and there is a greater sense of buffer between myself and my readers during the sharing process. There is still that buffer between viewers and video — it’s not happening in real time — but it’s harder for me to be quite as collected and precise with language as I’d like to be. Writing is comfortable. Speaking is not. And yes, that’s a huge part of why I want to do the YT pagan challenge, and it’s why I’m doing this other series, too.
I dreamt of Poseidon last night. It was a hugely elaborate dream, that involved a ton of my spirits, a ton of people and People I know and love, and a duel that never came to pass. Eventually, Poseidon made an appearance, and it’s the second or third dream in which dream-Poseidon was anthropomorphic, which is not typical for me or my dreams. He was very much Him, very much Poseidon, and He made the grandest, most impressive, most theatrical entrance He could have — and reassured me of His claim upon me, of His continued affection, etc.
I awoke feeling more settled. When did I get hung up on names? Am I going to keep digging my heels in like I’ve been? Does it matter, truly, that I understand exactly what He means when He says, “Maybe I’m also Vishnu?” Am I going to let that get between us? Or am I going to go where He leads.
Seidhr happened, and I got called on the carpet as to spirit work. I keep saying I’m not, but I am, when I’m doing as I’m supposed to. I don’t serve humanity with my spirit work, but that doesn’t mean it’s not there. I dropped the term, I discard it, because people expect a certain thing when you say that, or I decide that they do, and it’s easier to not talk of it. Inviting spirit critters to help hold the space, a shapechanging, form-playing, sometimes Pom sauntered in without an invite, pointedly without the invite, and waited for me to realize my slip, and invite him in.
Ventured out, bought a print for the Vishnu picture again — lighter, no glass. Waiting for the bus, I’m picking through Love Song for the Dark Lord. Distracted. I’m asked, “Why are you so afraid in this, when you have no fear of Him?” And I’m afraid, so afraid, of losing what w/We have. It isn’t my intent, it isn’t His, but if I’m venturing into this wide open sea of all that He could possibly be . . what if I lose sight of what I have with Him?
The fear isn’t constant, but today I’m blown open and vulnerable. Today I’m filled with yearning, to be enough, to be strong enough and flexible enough and trusting enough and just enough. Why, now, am I filled with this fear, with two decades behind me, with Him? Why, now, am I filled with, “ergh?” just because He added a name.? We’d already been talking about Yam. We’d already been talking about Ba’al. We’d already talked about Zeus and Hades and names not being a huge deal. We’d talked about Aegir, about Pontus, about Njord, about others. Why does this cause such angst? Because it wasn’t expected. Because it’s the first time He’s said, “Yes,” and not “yesno.” Because continuous traditions. Because, because, because.
What else am I to do? Of course I’m following. Take my heart. Take my fears. Take my terror. Take it all; it’s already Yours.