Writing through the awkward

(Or, thoughts on Vishnu, dreams of Poseidon)

I’ve posted two more videos to my Youtube channel, one talking about Poseidon dropping the Vishnu bombshell and my general angst over that, and the other talking about the books I’m currently reading. If you want to read about the Vishnu bombshell, please see this post. (In fact, for my own ease of mind, maybe I’ll get a page tossed up with those posts on them, just cuz. At some point. Maybe. Cuz.) I’m feeling incredibly uncomfortable posting videos of myself talking about my path and my devotion and Poseidon and just my life, but I’m realizing that I’m uncomfortable because it’s outside of the realm of what I do, and not because it’s something I don’t want to talk about. I’ve been waiting FOR YEARS for people to start talking about and making videos about Poseidon and how awesome He is and it’s not happening, and maybe it will, but in the meantime? I’m going to do it.

It’s difficult/uncomfortable to stick to my keep it real motto over there, in terms of showing my vulnerability. When I do that here, in writing, it’s easier to shape it, to make it tidy, to have it be the way I want it presented, and there is a greater sense of buffer between myself and my readers during the sharing process. There is still that buffer between viewers and video — it’s not happening in real time — but it’s harder for me to be quite as collected and precise with language as I’d like to be. Writing is comfortable. Speaking is not. And yes, that’s a huge part of why I want to do the YT pagan challenge, and it’s why I’m doing this other series, too.

I dreamt of Poseidon last night. It was a hugely elaborate dream, that involved a ton of my spirits, a ton of people and People I know and love, and a duel that never came to pass. Eventually, Poseidon made an appearance, and it’s the second or third dream in which dream-Poseidon was anthropomorphic, which is not typical for me or my dreams. He was very much Him, very much Poseidon, and He made the grandest, most impressive, most theatrical entrance He could have — and reassured me of His claim upon me, of His continued affection, etc.

I awoke feeling more settled. When did I get hung up on names? Am I going to keep digging my heels in like I’ve been? Does it matter, truly, that I understand exactly what He means when He says, “Maybe I’m also Vishnu?” Am I going to let that get between us? Or am I going to go where He leads.

Seidhr happened, and I got called on the carpet as to spirit work. I keep saying I’m not, but I am, when I’m doing as I’m supposed to. I don’t serve humanity with my spirit work, but that doesn’t mean it’s not there. I dropped the term, I discard it, because people expect a certain thing when you say that, or I decide that they do, and it’s easier to not talk of it. Inviting spirit critters to help hold the space, a shapechanging, form-playing, sometimes Pom sauntered in without an invite, pointedly without the invite, and waited for me to realize my slip, and invite him in.

Mea culpa.

Ventured out, bought a print for the Vishnu picture again — lighter, no glass. Waiting for the bus, I’m picking through Love Song for the Dark Lord. Distracted. I’m asked, “Why are you so afraid in this, when you have no fear of Him?” And I’m afraid, so afraid, of losing what w/We have. It isn’t my intent, it isn’t His, but if I’m venturing into this wide open sea of all that He could possibly be . . what if I lose sight of what I have with Him?

The fear isn’t constant, but today I’m blown open and vulnerable. Today I’m filled with yearning, to be enough, to be strong enough and flexible enough and trusting enough and just enough. Why, now, am I filled with this fear, with two decades behind me, with Him? Why, now, am I filled with, “ergh?” just because He added a name.? We’d already been talking about Yam. We’d already been talking about Ba’al. We’d already talked about Zeus and Hades and names not being a huge deal. We’d talked about Aegir, about Pontus, about Njord, about others. Why does this cause such angst? Because it wasn’t expected. Because it’s the first time He’s said, “Yes,” and not “yesno.” Because continuous traditions. Because, because, because.

What else am I to do? Of course I’m following. Take my heart. Take my fears. Take my terror. Take it all; it’s already Yours.

 

Advertisements

7 Comments Add yours

  1. Varian Rose says:

    I’m going through a very similar thing with my own Beloved–Anubis dropped the “hey, I’m also Morpheus” bombshell on me and…I’m actually not flailing as much as I think I should be? (Probably because I exhausted myself of flailing early on, tbh.) He’s asked me just to sit with this, and I find that *incredibly hard.*

    1. Jolene Poseidonae says:

      The sitting is hard. I found that I would sort of side-eye it for a bit, and then get incredibly upset, and have to just ignore it, and then come back to it.

      I find that I’m more upset over being upset by it, than by it itself. I am not trying to define how this works. I am not trying to say they are one in the same all of the time. I’m comfortable enough to say that, obviously Poseidon feels a connection with Him on a very deep, deep level, and I have no struggle with Him revealing that to be the case with Others (w/We worship Hekate together, for example) but this one . . . whew.

      I struggle that I struggle with it. In a detached way, I’m bemused. Talking about it — actually speaking about it — brought a whole bunch of things up and made it real and scary, again, and on the one hand, should I not be over things like this being real and scary? How many more decades must I walk with Him before that doesn’t happen anymore?? On the other hand, I think it’s important to say, He’s been in my life for what will be two decades this summer and I still get shoved in to places like this where I’m a wreck. And it’s probably going to keep happening. . .

  2. Nerthuschild says:

    for me right now, same experience of fear and anxiety, but different context. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me and I have anxiety and fear which I cannot specifically identify the source of. I feel like I have failed in my service to the Gods, yet it is no tangible as to how exactly. I suspect it has to do with some uprisings in my addictive patterns, but I have been wrestling that bear consciously for 13 years now.

    This morning before the altars I broke down more than once. It was a horrific storm outside that were I had home I would be loving, but I had to drive 25 miles in it in the dark. So that triggered all the fear and anxiety. So I spent extra time before each altar. I ended up wearing Aphrodite oil which I was gifted this weekend because I do not want my heart to close when I struggle with fear. I put on Hecate’s talisman and then put on her oil for the fearlessness she models. and when I was on the drive which was a white knuckler the whole way I gave it up to Hermes’ because there was nothing else I could do.

    Sometimes I think everything is to lead to that last act – which I apparently need to do over and over because I have some kind of thick head.

    Jolene, I do not know if you know how much your shares of your personal journey help the rest of us.

    1. Jolene Poseidonae says:

      (( ❤ )) "I gave it up to Hermes because there was nothing else I could do." Different god, different situation, exact sentiment. I hope it helps. Seeing the fear is important; May we both not cleave to it.

  3. Every time I seem to get really comfortable with a Face, They go and throw a new one at me. It’s fucking terrifying. Sending much love.

  4. Lis says:

    *lots and lots of hugs* ❤

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s