Need drives me.
I’m not special in that; I suspect that need drives a lot of people, when (heh) the need arises. Holding what I know of myself (I’m not driven by want or by interests — I’m more gentle in my approach when I’m writing regularly or when I’m knitting) and thinking about need, I realize that need is the fire that gets kindled under my tuchis.
Need. Things that need attention, things that need to be taken care of, things that are beyond the reaches of procrastination. I finally gave in to Poseidon and accepted a Reiki attunement (and thus my initiation into energy work) because the need was undeniable. I accepted Odin into my life before vows were given to Him, and need was the initiator of that, as well. The majority of the animals we share our home with came because of need — our help, shelter, security, love — and we had it to give. I started my Story Subscription — that is, I started taking my own deadlines and writing seriously — because I had no other way to pay that particular bill. I made a bargain with Loki a few weeks ago — which I’ll be partially fulfilling this weekend and beginning the rest of the fulfillment, as well — because I had need of His aid. (That there is much satisfaction on His part that a bargain, an official relationship beyond His being related to People I’m related to, is a curious by-product. It’s a seemingly minor shift; He’s gone from being near and dear to my heart because He is near and dear to a number of People and people whom I care about, to being near and dear to me because of Himself)
There are aspects to my devotional work and my energy work that overlap, aspects which, if I devoted more time, more effort, if I would be less satisfied with what comes naturally and would apply myself more, could be grown/rooted deeper/be more. I put this off because . .. well, I’m not driven. If something comes naturally to me, I tend to not go deeper than that — except with writing/story telling. For a long time, Odin’s been after me to spend more time with Him, not being with Him, but studying with Him. And, I’ve always intended to, but then something happens, and then I just don’t. Or, because Wednesdays is never a good day for it, and then I start fantasizing about the perfect set-aside day for spiritual work and study with Odin, and that perfect day never happens, and then . . .
I mentioned I’m a defeatism perfectionist, right? If it can’t be perfect, why even try? Yeah. One of those.
I have a number of people — beings in various animal forms — on my prayer list. I don’t do anything fancy for that. I place their names and their issues before Poseidon, and I ask for help for them, in whatever form they most need it. This last week, I learned of some serious illnesses with a few different people, and I thought, I should work in some Reiki treatments, too. So I sought about asking for permission to do such a work. When this can’t be done in person, face to face, I go in and down and out, and I try to get a feel for what they would want/what they do want, and I go from there.
Odin met me, when I went in and down, and we didn’t go out that time. I won’t talk about specifics. I will say, it was intense, and it was something I threw myself at, and there was no “It’s about time, daughter,” from Him, because there was a task at hand.
Thing with Pops is, there’s always a task at hand. Need fires Him, too.
Three nights of working, and three days of studying what I’m reading in a new light (it’s a book on Osun, Osun Across the Waters, and I highly recommend it). I had last night “off” because I dropped into bed without any time for Work, but I dreamt of Angel for the second night in a row. I don’t remember the first dream clearly, though I do recall a sense of him being with me and us being focused on something. Last night he was with me for the entire dream, and it was focused on him coming with me about my day, being my companion animal.
He’s made it clear, time and again, that he is hanging around to keep an eye out for Corbie, that he’s biding his time, to help Corbie’s transition, but if, after that, we are not spending more time together, he’s going to move on. Not necessarily into a new life, but that there are things he want to check out, and he’s done cooling his heels while waiting for me to make time for him in my life. He’s not asking a lot — half the year is taken up with Hunt stuff anyway (oooh, my blondie bear!) but . . .
So, we’ll see what we see. Need, though. Need drives me. I wonder how i can harness that power toward my wants, as well?