Doing everything right, and still failing.

I’m re-reading Silence’s Walking the Heartroad, a book that I re-read from time to time, as it tends to help me remember to be mindful about an assortment of things that get pushed out to the margins of my awareness. It’s a useful (and well written) tool that helps refocus me. If you haven’t read it, I recommend it.

I forget things, from time to time. I’m pretty good, in my own estimation, at remembering them eventually, and getting back on track. I’m honest about the fact that, even though I’ve been walking with Poseidon for as long as I have, even though I made the decision almost twelve years ago to center my life around my walking with Him, even though these things, it does not mean that I don’t stumble, a lot, still. It does not mean that I’ve reached a certain point and suddenly all the things become easy or obvious or what-have-you. There are things I don’t trip over much any more – it’s been ages since I’ve been caught up in the ‘what am I thinking, is this even real?’ and, more of a personal victory, a long time since I’ve been caught up in doubts of my self-worth (or lack-there-of), ages since that was last a factor. (I guess this means that at some point I started to actually believe across the board that since He said He wanted this, wanted me, saw value in me, that meant there actually is value in me, and so I could surrender that worry). These big things that were issues for so long do not crop up much any more, it’s true, but there are still plenty of ways in which this walking with my god every day is akin to deciding every day to walk with my god. Ways in which, every day, it’s sort of like a new decision, for the first time ever. I’ve yet to hit a stride wherein suddenly this is all just the way things are, wherein mindfulness and attention from me is not required. At this point along the way, I’m beginning to realize that that particular stride is never going to happen. I need – and more, want – to stay open to His presence, to both His fluctuations and the natural fluctuations anyo/One would have in any sort of an intimate relationship. I want to be engaged in this life.

I’ve been good. Ever since the whole “Hey, so, Vishnu is a thing,” incident a bit ago, I’ve been sitting with it. More, I’ve been sitting with Poseidon, and I’ve been present. It’s difficult, those of us who are privileged enough to have access to historical information regarding the worship of our gods, not maybe not get bogged down in the history. (Especially if we are anything like me. Being a pedant is a great tool for editing; less useful to me when dealing with relationships with my gods and spirits), but having been greatly jarred, it’s easier to see that I had been doing just that. Looking at His past, at a human-explained and experienced past that attached ‘Poseidon’ to its history, and getting stuck in a particular place, at least when it comes to how I was allowing myself to connect with Poseidon, and in how I was seeing His touch upon my life. This is somewhat embarrassing considering how much the historical influences did not inform my foundation-building period with Poseidon. I am grateful for that jarring-out of complacency that I hadn’t realized I’d slipped into.

Between that, and rereading Walking the HeartRoad, and my previous post on knitting and yoga, yesterday I experienced a sort of . . . well, something a bit more gentle, emotionally speaking, but still akin to a slam-down. (He is ever so careful with my emotions, this terrible god of mine). Three words, quietly spoken, that devastated me and stripped away all the excess garbage, that – if you will – stripped me back to the bone and re-grounded me. “I miss you,” He said to me, in the stillness of my heart, in the quiet of my mind, and in that moment I wanted to die.

I do believe that our gods and spirits can experience missing us. I have the audacity to declare myself a wife of Poseidon’s. In light of that, declaring that I believe the spirits and gods can experience loneliness, and can – in fact, do – desire to spend time with specific people – should be small potatoes. But then I find myself, not doubting Him, but maybe marveling at why on earth He would miss me. My reaction, once I was able to think again – those words floored me and I did not expect them, and perhaps I should have – I listed all of the things I’m doing ‘correctly’. Upon waking and upon going to bed, unless there’s something major going on that is seizing my attention, I take time to touch in with Him. I’ll go to o/Our special place, to o/Our inner temple. When I get out of bed in the morning, I light incense to Him, I say my morning ‘help me walk with You’ prayer, and I share my first cup of tea with Him. I converse with Him throughout the day. My mind at rest in on Him, is with Him. When I settle in to write, I touch base with Him. Poseidon isn’t exactly my ‘muse’ – I don’t have one, that’s not how I explain the story-receiving-process that I have – but I do story-bounce at Him. I use knitting time as an excuse to touch in with Him. I’ve even finally bowed to the pressure to take part in Odin’s Hunt at my Husband’s side this year – though perhaps not as often as either of Them would like – and that’s been years coming. I don’t have any festivals specifically for Poseidon between September and Yule, so I haven’t been skipping any of those. I’m not feeling any pressure to pick up yoga from Him, though I’m not sure I’m the only one experiencing nostalgia for my practice. I’m doing it all ‘correctly’; so why this admission on His part?

I’m forced to stop, to look, to be honest. And when I’m being honest, I can see that all the parts and pieces are in place, and this is good. I can see that my heart is in all of this, and this is good, too. But we’ve hit one of those places where putting my heart into all of this has become easy . . . and it’s time to put more. The only outward thing that I’m lacking right now is a regular meditation practice, and I’ll fix that. There’s no recrimination – there rarely is from Him and He will not abide any from myself – as I’ve been working to get a schedule in place that works for me, to maintain the responsibilities I have. (Still not perfect on that front, but steady at this point) but it’s time to pick that back up again. Beyond that, though, it’s time to start challenging myself to give more – to Him and, through Him, as He decides, in service of others. Carefully, though, because He did not express a desire that I serve others. He expressed a desire that I spend more of my time with Him. And that’s what I need to do, what I need to fix.

I’m sharing this here because I’ve been at this a while. I don’t mean that to sound like me tooting my horn, but I know that when I was just starting along my path, I looked at others with years behind them and thought, they must have it all together. And now, with years behind me, I have to admit that – in some things, yes. In other things? Not so much. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

I would rather spend my life stumbling along with Him, trying to give more and more and more, clumsy and fumbling and awkward, than glide along with nary any attention paid to the process. I’m embracing my stumbling and my awkwardness and, yes, even those moments of feeling devastated in failing Him, in having to be reminded to give Him more of myself. All of myself, and then more.

Hail, hail, Poseidon.

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3 thoughts on “Doing everything right, and still failing.

  1. Pingback: Doing it right/Doing it wrong | Loki's Bruid

  2. Hmmmm. Reading your blog is helping me a lot. I think I might need to start either blogging about being a spirit-spouse or just have a private journal to ground me with my Wife. Watching/reading you reflect reminds me that self-reflection is a ridiculously useful process that I don’t do enough. Thank you for sharing that.

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