Hold on, hold on to yourself . . .

Things are hard right now.

Everyone is as well as they’ll ever be in our household, and that’s a good thing. There’s nothing really exactly *wrong*, except this fragile feeling that took up residence a few weeks ago has not left or lessened one whit. I’m clearing my calendar of any outside obligations beyond tending to my part time jobs and my day job, beyond that, my wants, because I can’t bear the pressure otherwise. I’ve picked up knitting again because that calms me and soothes me and gives me patience and a better ability to be kind, to myself and to others.

I want to bed last night begging for . . . something. I feel bereft, and I decide that that means I feel bereft of Poseidon. And, I’m not tending to my things because I’m exhausted and I want to feel carried, just a bit right now. How, when there is constant back and forth, do I convince myself that He’s distant? That it’s been ages since I felt His presence? I wanted just one small, small, obvious, anything will do, sign.

Today it’s raining. Yeah, it’s been coming for a while now. Yeah, we’re due. But it doesn’t matter. It’s helped, immensely, in not feeling bereft.

I still feel fragile. Hunt season is here, and it’s heavy as a motherfucker. The constant sense of ending, of mortality has acquired a feeling of mourning, of grieving, so that’s fun. That’s typical of this season, but adjusting to it this year is harder than it typically is.

I’m only reading the things I want to read. My prayers are simple and quiet.  I’m giving up any sense of needing to “study.” We’re going to a fiber festival this weekend, and when I’m done the second sock I have to knit, I’m going to cast on my very first sweater.

I’m exhausted, and I’m fragile, so I’m retreating into His arms, and into the sanctuary of Family, where I can weather this darkness in security.


14 thoughts on “Hold on, hold on to yourself . . .

    • I’m not one to put much stock into ‘peer corroborated’ experiences — it has not been my experience yet that others must agree with me in order for my experiences to be valid and have merit. That caveat given, I can only YES this. I’ve seen too many people experience too similar a sentiment from too many different places upon their paths (from too many different paths, even) to just discount that as being true. It has me bracing, more than a bit, I have to admit. It has me unnerved. (And yet, strengthened too, in the knowledge that it’s not just me and it’s not just my household.)

    • It’s so easy to forget. But, boundaries and limits and all that. I really do feel that attending to one’s limits and resources and all that is not selfish, that if we were more selfish in that regard we would have greater resources to do more/help others/what have you. Except I’m horrid at walking that particular talk.

      • 100% agree with you on the selfish bit. I think it’s difficult to tend to oneself when we’ve been programmed to be overly concerned with everyone else first, even those who are not loved ones.

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