Hold on, hold on to yourself . . .

Things are hard right now.

Everyone is as well as they’ll ever be in our household, and that’s a good thing. There’s nothing really exactly *wrong*, except this fragile feeling that took up residence a few weeks ago has not left or lessened one whit. I’m clearing my calendar of any outside obligations beyond tending to my part time jobs and my day job, beyond that, my wants, because I can’t bear the pressure otherwise. I’ve picked up knitting again because that calms me and soothes me and gives me patience and a better ability to be kind, to myself and to others.

I want to bed last night begging for . . . something. I feel bereft, and I decide that that means I feel bereft of Poseidon. And, I’m not tending to my things because I’m exhausted and I want to feel carried, just a bit right now. How, when there is constant back and forth, do I convince myself that He’s distant? That it’s been ages since I felt His presence? I wanted just one small, small, obvious, anything will do, sign.

Today it’s raining. Yeah, it’s been coming for a while now. Yeah, we’re due. But it doesn’t matter. It’s helped, immensely, in not feeling bereft.

I still feel fragile. Hunt season is here, and it’s heavy as a motherfucker. The constant sense of ending, of mortality has acquired a feeling of mourning, of grieving, so that’s fun. That’s typical of this season, but adjusting to it this year is harder than it typically is.

I’m only reading the things I want to read. My prayers are simple and quiet.  I’m giving up any sense of needing to “study.” We’re going to a fiber festival this weekend, and when I’m done the second sock I have to knit, I’m going to cast on my very first sweater.

I’m exhausted, and I’m fragile, so I’m retreating into His arms, and into the sanctuary of Family, where I can weather this darkness in security.


14 Comments Add yours

  1. Beth says:

    (((((hugehugs and <3)))))))

  2. Hunt season seems to have started earlier, and its deepening with each passing day.

    1. naiadis says:

      I’m not one to put much stock into ‘peer corroborated’ experiences — it has not been my experience yet that others must agree with me in order for my experiences to be valid and have merit. That caveat given, I can only YES this. I’ve seen too many people experience too similar a sentiment from too many different places upon their paths (from too many different paths, even) to just discount that as being true. It has me bracing, more than a bit, I have to admit. It has me unnerved. (And yet, strengthened too, in the knowledge that it’s not just me and it’s not just my household.)

  3. TPWard says:

    How you connect Poseidon to these feelings is very helpful to me. Thank you for that.

    1. naiadis says:

      I’m humbled to hear this. I feel that my grasp upon articulating where I’m at is clumsy at best, but writing helps with that. I’m glad that my bumbling can help others. 🙂

      1. TPWard says:

        In your bumbling, I recognize something of my own, so even if the words fail you, something important comes through.

  4. As much as I hate to see you having such a hard time, I am glad to see you taking steps to nurture yourself. {{hugs}}

    1. naiadis says:

      ((((( ❤ ))))) I love you.

  5. Miaërowyn says:

    I’m right there with you, this Hunt season has been so heavy. It is good that you are being easy on yourself, that’s something we all too often forget to do.

    1. naiadis says:

      It’s so easy to forget. But, boundaries and limits and all that. I really do feel that attending to one’s limits and resources and all that is not selfish, that if we were more selfish in that regard we would have greater resources to do more/help others/what have you. Except I’m horrid at walking that particular talk.

      1. Miaërowyn says:

        100% agree with you on the selfish bit. I think it’s difficult to tend to oneself when we’ve been programmed to be overly concerned with everyone else first, even those who are not loved ones.

  6. Soli says:

    *hugs* take care of yourself… and oddly, I now realize I have been feeling something similar all week too.

    1. naiadis says:

      (((( Soli )))) Be good to you.

  7. Boneweaver (aka pjvj) says:

    All the time and energy is for you and yours! FUCK THE WORLD! (*ahem* How’s That for compassion?)

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