One particular struggle that I have is maintaining boundaries with people. I have this savior complex when it comes to some, and helps me be utterly stupid with the boundaries I need to maintain.
Last night my gods decided enough was enough. We sat down, and we started a working on it. I won’t go into the details here because that’s not how we do, but I will say that I reached a point of enough is enough. That is, I reached a point where They said enough is enough. Why? Because I began making it seem like I was willing to risk worsening my back injury (strained it last week, and thanks to last October, straining it even just a bit equals pissed of sciatic nerve) to help someone move. When I began making noise about how I couldn’t, I earned the silent treatment, and began wondering, well, maybe I can do this or that to help.
It wasn’t enough that Beth said not to do it. It wasn’t enough that I’m terrified of getting incapacitated again. Wasn’t enough that I’d be out a week’s pay, and on and on and on. It took Them putting Their feet down. “This is the line. You do not cross this line.”
I spent some good time with Odin last night, with Him essentially reaming me out. I will say that He paused long enough beforehand to allow me to get a good, firm grasp on Who He Is, who I am in relation to Him, and to feel His love and caring for me before He totally laid into me. In fact, He made me speak it. “Who am I? What right do you have, to ask for My aid and guidance in this?”
And then there was a litany of who I owe obligations to. Again and again and again and again, in order of said obligation. There was a reminder of surrendering my life to His control, which I have done, but which I don’t pay enough attention to, because Poseidon’s control of my life is so much more tangible and constant and *there*. But then, it would be.
It was so very, very needed, and so very, very good. It’s been a long, long time since I’ve done anything quite as formal as last night, and it touched places that have been neglected.
Maintaining boundaries, because I’m obliged toward people, toward particular people, and I need to be ever mindful of that. This will be an ongoing project, and it’s going to make situations uncomfortable, but there are people and spirits I owe my time to, and they have dominant claim. How do I forget that? How does neglect slip in so readily?
A back injury is not an excuse to get out of helping some one. If that cannot be respected, I do not need to respect said person. My obligation is to keep well enough to go to my job to get my paycheck to help pay for shelter and food and medications for everyone, in this case. I don’t have any assurances that simply riding the bus to work and home won’t make my back worse. Hefting boxes certainly will. Obligations. And it’s my own fault for not keeping those obligations (or more likely, for not connecting all these factors in my mind, for, ahem, not being mindful) that the situation is uncomfortable. But, oh well. My shit to deal with and if I’d keep those boundaries in the first place, I wouldn’t be here. Suck it up, Jo.
Keeping it real, here. Also, compassion must be maintained, even self-compassion. I fucked up. I’m fixing it. I’ve already been reamed out, and now we’re moving on. I don’t get to ream myself out constantly. I’m not the boss of me.