The weather is matching my moods today. Heavily grey with persistent mist this morning, gusty winds. Currently it’s somewhat still, and there are dark dark grey clouds to be seen, but I can see the sun, too. The bare branches of the trees in the chicken yard across the street create shadows reaching across the road. Black branches, blinding golden sunlight, and grey so dark they’re almost black clouds just off to the west. It’s breath-taking and beautiful.
Today I am by turns morose, depressed, extremely optimistic and newly in love with humanity, bursting with projects and plans inside of me, and then awash in hopelessness. I want the words to come tumbling out — plans about updating the ancestor wall, as I never did get the Rosary on the wall that felt requested; we still haven’t got Beth’s people represented; I have still failed to get an image of my uncle up, though he left this world before my grandparents did (last vestiges of denial? Perhaps). Nothing big or grand there, just . . .touching in. We are two days away from the one year marker, and so, with that in mind, I’m more than at peace with not being okay right now.
I’m excited about the writing projects for next year. I’m pleased with what I’ve accomplished writing wise this year. I’m frustrated and annoyed that I haven’t accomplished more, and I’m really annoyed that I have to go and *work* instead of staying home all day, every day.
Poseidon says, “compassion.” Poseidon says, “self-healing is still healing.” I want stillness and solitude, and it’s been a week of too many people, pressed tight, pressed in, too-fast-a-pace. Some was beneficial. Some was amazing. Some was unavoidable.
When my moods are like this, shifting so fast, I ride them out. I’m not sure why I’m posting about it, other than as a reminder to ride them out.
I want to offer nourishment. Encouragement, to people who need it. Instead, today, I’m taking it in. Tomorrow, we’ll see where we’re at.