A few things came crashing down on me today. In the spirit of keeping it real, I’ll admit that it was a powerful combination of the ending of my Poseidon Taureos vigil and the beginning of the worst days of my cycle (if you follow me) with the added bonus of totally flaking out on the hormonal treatment that is hopefully going to stabilize my erratic moods during this, the worst days of my cycle. Today, I allowed myself the down time, decided I would be kind and compassionate with myself, and spent copious amounts of time on Youtube. As always, it starts out great — I watched some things that I found interesting, things that nourished, things that inspired. I had leisurely tea with my mind on Poseidon and the ?success? of the vigil, I started my correspondence catch-up, I opened my current short story file. And, I did wash out my pantry shelving, and did dishes, and determined that I need more tools to fix my shower stall door. AND I made a master log of all the things Beth has accomplished since the beginning of her Tour de Fleece, and emailed it to her, because she keeps forgetting ALL THE THINGS she’s accomplished. So, that was good.
But then I hit stimulation overload, and the letter I started is yet unfinished, I never got around to calling my mother, and I didn’t spend the time in the garden that I wanted to. And, now that it’s coming on bedtime, I’m trying to list the errand running I skipped out on (which was a conscious decision this morning, when I was already so overwhelmed) and the lawn care that I neglected (which I likewise decided consciously this morning could wait) onto the list of things I failed to accomplish today. I can get lost in dictionaries; Youtube is a bane as much as it is a boon. Nor did I read, nor did I knit. I did snuggle the dog. And I did take a nice submersion that involved my lustral water mixture, and I did come out of that feeling better. Until the headache came on. Of course.
The vigil was awesome. It was powerful, and it will be repeated. It was very heavy, holding this awareness, and I’m coming away with things re-realized. I’ve gotten away from some of my goals: being mindful of meat sources is the biggest one; avoiding the use of disposable plastic is the second runner up. I want more time to work on my writing, and we’ve been eating out (or, eating delivery) a lot this summer. There are so very many things that we cannot eat do to our bodies saying no, and there are so very many things clamouring for our attention during the day, and I’ve caved. Beth, bless her, can pretty much handle grains and some veggies and meat, in the summer. So, that’s what we’ve been having. Except for the take-out subs we’ve been getting, we’ve been having a lot of bread, cheese, finger veggies, and chicken sausages. Happy organic chicken sausages . . . from Australia. Or New Zealand. Far far away, is my point. So, it’s sort of a fail.
But it’s not useful to focus on the failing. I’ve been looking at bulk food prepping and freezer storage, and that’s appealing, but the use of the plastic to freeze is overwhelming. (And worse than sausages from half the world away how, exactly?) I’m not as hung up on doing it perfectly, now that I’ve recognized and named my defeatism perfectionist tendency, yet at the same time . . . all those bags. I want to work on using less plastic, not more.
It won’t ever be perfect; it can’t be. I’m not aiming for perfection. (I’m not. Not.) I’m aiming for 1) undauntedness; 2) inspiration; 3) encouragement; 4)perseverance.
I want: to cook more at home, so I can control the foods that we are eating and the places they are coming from. I want to cook in batches, because I want the time during the week to work on writing. I’m not opposed to spending a day food prepping every fortnight or so. I only have a small freezer. Beth can’t do repeated meals often without her poor tummy letting its displeasure known. I don’t want to start using MORE disposable things. I want more time for writing. I think I mentioned that? I’m not sure how this is all going to be accomplished, if it even can, and then, am I selfish for not wanting to spend all my time cooking minimally processed food every day so as to save on the *stuff*?
Mostly: this post is for me. I’m angsting, and I’m all over the place, and I want, so much, to incorporate those goals back into my life, and I want to not be overwhelmed. And I want to not keeping coming back to this point. And, I’m sharing, because my shit is not together, and there’s nothing that says yours has to be, either.