The awesome — and sometimes off-putting — part about having personal relationships with gods and spirits is, They give feed-back. After Monday’s experience, while still reeling from the small shattering that took place, Poseidon indicated that He’d prefer me to forgo the fasting. I was hit pretty hard on Sunday with the effects of it, and He convinced me (or I convinced myself, who knows at this point) that a day off from the fast could be good. I’d still skip on snacking, and really all that happened was my crispbread portions became toasted bread instead, so it wasn’t a HUGE departure, but I would refuel on my day off for the week of fasting to come. And then Monday happened, and He made it clear that I could pick. I could do a weeklong amount of pretty intense energy work *or* I could fast, but since I was going to have to be out about in the world during the bulk of my fasting and post-energy working, I was not going to be doing *both*. And, after the experiences on Monday, when He hit me with the feeling of, “allow Me this area in which I can offer comfort and nourishment,” I really couldn’t insist. This holy week of observance was inspired by Him, is being held in His honor; how do I ignore His requests and feedback and still claim that it’s for Him?
I understand why — and my understanding of why has me wondering still, despite knowing it was His request, as it came from a few different places, more than just from within, if it isn’t my own self (or Self) requesting that I set that aside. I have weird food hang-ups that are tied into having enough to eat, and I love that that was challenged and weakened during the fast, and I love the mindfulness it fostered, and I may make fasting part of a regular practice for real, just for that benefit alone. It enabled me to not stress eat yesterday, instead of mourning my grandfather’s passing properly. But, we’re also coming upon Jo-is-Locust-eat-all-the-things!!! day of the cycle, if you follow me, and I’m still starting hormone treatment for that, and having this extra variable upon me may not be for the best. The mindfulness is still there — how can it not be with the interrupted sleep and the heaviness upon me? — and I’m still maintaining a fast from meat, and the only thing that’s been dropped is the fasting every day. I plan on fasting Saturday and Sunday, Sunday until the funerary rite is completed and the offerings given unto the river.
I am struggling to not feel like a quitter over this, but, you know? If we know that our gods are real, and we know They interact with us, and we honestly examine what we suspect comes from Them, we’re honor-bound to honor Their wishes. And really, it would be much easier to continue with the fast all week; physical suffering is something I endure rather easily (though not *quietly* when it’s an injury or chronic. Everyone and their sister knows I have the gout, for example)(though that may be because I enjoy saying, “I have The Gout!” It sounds so dramatic that way) and so setting it aside is actually harder/more of a sacrifice, than going forth with it. How well my God knows me . . .