That wasn’t so bad.

Secret things. Ever since the whatever-it-was that Poseidon was responsible for (and I say Poseidon, and I know He was the driving factor in that shake-up, but don’t think for a second that I don’t know Odin was also involved, despite His apparent side-taking. And, it means far more than I can express that He would “take” my side. And yeah, things about sides and appearances and being clever, here, but still. Having a father-figure having my back against the world? Healed something major) I’ve been very lax about remembering to take my supplements. Some of these are mood-focused: St. John’s Wort and Vitamin D, which both enable me to stay out of the dark places more. Well, SJW is technically for depression, I find that it helps keep my anxiety at bay and thus I am able to work more at staying mindful of the depression and the unreliability of my emotions. (They don’t always tell me the truth, you see) Other things — turmeric, especially — are for physical things and I should likely go back to taking it, but the anti-inflamatories bother me less in the (ha!!) dry(er) summer. (It’s been raining for three days!)

I don’t know that I’m saying I don’t need them any more. I am saying that, between this factoid and the being able to think about my grandparents without being utterly, utterly crushed, things have changed. It started in small steps, I realize that. When spring came and the flowers started coming, and I was lamenting over how, since moving here, I had a tradition of writing to them and telling them about the amazing flowers coming up in January and this year I couldn’t, and my grandmother was all, “Well, tell me about them anyway.” And then, you know. I’d cry for a good few hours. Her presence has been patient and gentle and wonderful, and the conversations have been a lot more like they used to be and less like they’d been in the last few years of her life, wherein conversation became a three question and answer loop.

It isn’t the same as having her here and present and physical, but it’s nice, and it’s helped. And, as happens when these things are new (or even not new) her presence often makes it harder, so it’s all very edges of awareness and light conversation and such. Same with my grandfather. And yeah, there’s a part of me that is all, “it’s all just to make you feel better/it’s not real,” but I mostly don’t believe that, because experiences have taught me that that fear is so much bullshit. I don’t pursue these relationships with a goal of having them “prove” it to me — tell me something I don’t know that I can verify — because ultimately it’s not a “give me” relationship.

Her birthday day was a nice day. I thought about her a lot. I held her having died in my mind a decent amount, I revisited the funeral, I spent some time at the ancestor wall. I still need to complete that shrine — both she and my grandfather want there to be a Rosary up, there are saints images I want on the wall, and Beth needs to get going on hers because I don’t know how much of her grandmother’s muttering I can take — I don’t speak Yiddish, but I *know* she’s not overly pleased.

Last night I dreamed story dreams. I’m liking this increased dream recall thing.

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4 thoughts on “That wasn’t so bad.

  1. Oh, gods. I cried while reading this. I cried for the glory, the Mystery, and the beauty of it all. Thank you for sharing this momentary grace with us.

  2. (((((hugs))))) That part about how it means so much to you to have a father figure who would have your back against the world–yeah. Totally different relationship, of course, but knowing I have a Husband who would take my back against the world, even as He pushes me, means everything.

    • I am tempted to feel badly that it means more to have Odin taking that stance, than, say, Poseidon, except Poseidon isn’t at all interested in my feeling badly for any particular way that I feel. Furthermore, I think He gets it. So, it works. šŸ™‚

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