Gently Horrified

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We all have those moments — or at least, I’m telling myself we all have those moments — when we reach a new height of clarity in some matter or another, and are horrified to look back and see how close we were to that clarity and how intent we were on looking away from it. I am striving, with moderate success, to remain compassionate and to focus on the parts of this clarity that nourish me, to allow those bits that dance into horrified not become all-consuming to the point of stand-still again.

I’ve been talking about this off and on, briefly, with other people in other, more private places, because since the 1st, there have been some pieces of me that feel utterly fragile and unwilling to share here.

As some of you may already know, I’m reading through, and working through select pieces of Christopher Penczak’s Temple of Witchcraft series. Originally I opened the books as a means of distraction, back on the 3rd — because for us it seems “light reading” involves non-fiction that is not strictly academic theses, and because I didn’t have any easy, I-don’t-care-if-I-don’t-pay-attention fiction . . . and because even when I’m heart sore, I apparently am still always reaching for Poseidon — in this case, the theme is self-awareness. For those not in the know, the very first theme He brought into my life was awareness — of ones environment, of contributing factors, of points-of-view not my own, and, too, being self-aware. This has been, for nearly two decades, a constant with Him, on this path I walk. Striving, always striving, even if my always striving sometimes ignores myself entirely and other times looks at no one other than myself. I started the read through with a later book in the series and was asked to start with book one, to read through them all, and to let Him pick out which exercises would become part of my days.

Something shifted/returned/something upon the reading. There’s much about the books that irk me (not the least is the poor editing) but I have gained far more from the reading, and the few exercises that I’ve picked up. More than anything, better than anything, is reading these books with Him and listening to His feedback, and letting Him guide how I’m to proceed. Secondarily almost as awesome is rediscovering energy work that isn’t just prayer or rune work.

Don’t get me wrong — I love my song for Poseidon. I love my prayer time that is slightly more formal than just conversation with Him. I have a deep love for the Mysteries of the runes. But, while I do walk a devotional path — I don’t really know what else one would call it — there is more to it for me than just performing rituals in His honor, more than reciting and writing prayers for Him, more than doing galder. When I’m being completely honest, my doing rituals for Him, my creating of the number of festivals for Him that did not exist in antiquity, is what *I* wanted to give to Him, was nothing He asked for. It was me looking at other gods with other festivals — a whole years’ worth!! — and being indignant, because He deserves as much, by golly! But, what has been His Rule, these many years. “Awareness. Compassion. Healing.”

I’m enjoying looking at other spiritual and religious paths. I’m remembering that I get more out of looking at what people who are walking a much different path from me are talking about and doing and studying than I get from looking at what people who walk a similar path as me are talking about and doing and studying. It does more to foster compassion to look at the common ground we might share, even though their outer trappings are different, even though their path does not focus on awareness or compassion or healing. And, I’ll stress as I often stress that I’m not after altruistic compassion — the compassion I have makes me more easily able to interact with people. It is my anchor, I suppose, to make sure I can still tap into this consensual reality that we share, when I need to — and I need to, because there are people I love dearly who live there. Because I’m a caretaker for many who depend upon me. Also, looking at more different than the same paths satisfies that inner voyeur — er, I mean, storyteller and gatherer.

So far, I’m able to maintain that “gently horrified” sense, without it snowballing into something worse. It’s rather like coming out of a black mood and realizing how much I’ve missed Zerk or Corbie, when they’ve been here all along. I’ve missed pieces of myself that I haven’t spent time with for a while. It had to happen — it led me to here and there’s no point second-guessing. I really do not enjoy moments of “I wish X hadn’t happened!” because you never know which parts contributed to the here and now. And, here and now, I’m better than I’ve been in years. Better enough that June 1st is getting a mark on my calendar, because it’s a Day When Shit Happened, and it’s very awesome. My gods love me. “Here, this? This is all crap, it’s time for it to go, here, I’ll just take that.” Never mind the dark, dark places it drives me. Never mind the words I utter. Never mind the accusations and the sense of betrayal that He knows will all pass once I realize how utter amazing He is, how amazing They are.

And now, baby tomatoes! When these grow up (hopefully soon!) they will be Indigo Rose tomatoes: purple and black cherry-ish tomatoes. Likely way too acidic for me to eat many of, but look it how pretty!

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12 Comments Add yours

  1. Loki is much the same way – it’s daily life He wants to share, and the other things are nice, but not necessary. “Just be My wife,” is what He says when He wants to remind me of this.

    1. naiadis says:

      It’s a very simple thing that is so very hard to lose sight of. I appreciate that I’m able to be gently horrified; not long ago it would have been a spiraling descent into no room for anything else but being horrified, and that’s not a very compassionate place.

  2. Beth says:

    I think I may have said this already, but it has been wonderful for me watching these changes in you; you are so much happier, more patient with yourself, more compassionate. I love when you come home and say, this is what I talked about with Poseidon at lunch time. This is a variation on the same lesson I’ve gone through with Odin, in going from horror that I was not including Him in my fiber arts, to all but dropping the fiber stuff so I could focus on Him, to having Him gently steer me back towards doing the things I am meant to do but including Him in all of them, which is only what He wanted all along.

    1. naiadis says:

      You, too, have made amazing progress — which you realize when you let yourself realize it. I’m really enjoying the being more patient with myself and everything. I’m still a bit up and down — particular weeks, you know what I mean ;o) — but it’s still a vast improvement. And, I adore spending my lunch time with Him. I feel like I’ve been given a present, looking forward to that lunch date with Him every work day. My actually time to sit and recharge is less time now, since I have to go elsewhere to sit and be alone, but the quality of rest so much improved.

  3. lokastromma1 says:

    Like you, I enjoy reading the writings of others who may be on a similar, but different path…meaning I like to read other’s experiences and their take on the lessons they are learning. I so thoroughly enjoy reading about you and Poseidon. Thank you for sharing this with us. I especially enjoy your little incites that may seem trivial to you, but the small stuff is where the beauty lies.
    And those tomatoes look gorgeous! Rare beauties. You’ll have to tell us how they ‘are’ when it comes time to enjoy them.

    1. naiadis says:

      Aw, you’re welcome. I’ve been reading your blog, too, I just haven’t yet gotten to a place to comment. It’s one of those “so many things to say!! Where are the words?” situations.

      I can’t wait for those to ripen. I suspect I shan’t be able to eat many of them, though the plant in flowering only on one side, so I guess that may not be a huge problem. Acidic, you know. We have another plant that’ll give us beefsteak styled golden tomatoes, and I just brought home a Gypsy Pepper plant, which I look forward to. I tease the plants, “I’m going to eaaaaat yooooou,” but really, they feel a bit like bringing home a kitten. I might have snuggled and cooed at the pepper plant all the way home yesterday . . . .

      1. lokastromma1 says:

        I am just starting to try growing things in my yard. I’ve a lovely, brick raised ‘garden area’ that I think held roses at some point (long before I took possession of it) and I am afraid I will have to dig everything out and buy some good, black, growing dirt. Right now it has a top layer but underneath is good ole red clay crap or chirt, which is not as bad but still not really what I want. I have a beefsteak tomato, cherry tomatoes, and a red bell. Just three. Like I said, first time with in-the-ground gardening. Before, I always had them in big pots on the porch and they grew quite well. The transition has me a little afraid. Should have paid more attention to Gran-gran.
        As for the comments you can always email me:
        lokastromma(at)gmail(dot)com. The comments section of a blog just doesn’t seem to hold ALL I want to say without it being weird and drawn-out. So, I think I understand what you’re saying.

  4. Jove says:

    This is a beautiful post, thank you, as I love to read what others are doing on their paths. May your walk be gorgeous!

    1. naiadis says:

      Thank you! And you, as well.

  5. Diane says:

    I think that sense of being “gently horrified” is fairly common to anyone who’s ever had an epiphany of any kind. “Wow, look at this amazing thing that I am now aware of” followed quickly by “Dude, how the Hell did I not see that before?” The key, I think, is exactly what you’ve described here: to be compassionate with yourself and to realize that for whatever reason, this was the time or series of events or whatever that it took to bring “this amazing thing” to light for you.

    {{Huge hugs}}

    Also, cute tomatoes! I’m trying to come up with some brilliant “reduce the acidity” suggestion, but the only one I really know is for sauce, and you really don’t want to sauce cherry tomatoes.Nor, I suspect, would baking soda taste particularly good on fresh tomatoes.

    1. naiadis says:

      People swear by cinnamon in coffee to cut the acidity. I wonder if that would work with tomatoes. The downside here is I really prefer my tomatoes as a sauce *or* raw, but otherwise not cooked. Same with peppers. There is a _something_ that flavors them both when they are cooked that I don’t care for, that isn’t present in the raw taste. I munch bread with them, and plan my other food carefully. I tend to be able to tolerate the acidic foods if both 1) I keep soda out of my diet entirely and 2) plan to have one or two of the ‘taboo’ foods and thus keep the rest out. I even managed to have somewhat diluted oj yesterday! AND tomatoes! With no burn! The soda really is the worst culprit . . .

  6. aikasan21 says:

    I feel kind of strange congratulating you for your growth but I’ll do so anyway, for personal growth is always a beautiful thing. On the note of the Penczak series: I’ve nmot read more than the first book, however I will say that I had read the entire first installment (Inner Temple) before I went to Hypnotherapy school and realized that everything I learned in the book I was taught as a tool in hypnotherapy (slightly different names and scripts sometimes but uncanny still). My instructor got a tickle when I informed him he was teaching magick and I would be doing magick for a living, lol. I hope those exercises and your work helps you as much as hypnotherapy helped me, and always looking forward to your next post! ^_^

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