This has been one of those weeks wherein so much has shifted around internally that it seems as though months have passed. I am not pleased that my fiction writing has taken a back seat (so she says, but she’s also been plotting her heart out, internally, and there are scenes to write tomorrow!) I wish, very much, that I could have reached this point while having had an awesomely enjoyable experience last weekend, but honestly? I don’t know that I’d give up where I’m at now in order to have enjoyed last weekend.
A lot of it seems silly — that is, simple and basic and “duh”. I’m watching in amazement as boundaries are springing up, between me and more harmful aspects of my interactions. Simply by taking the time to remove myself from my place of employment on my lunch breaks, I’ve created a bubble around myself and the less savory bits of the job; I’ve reclaimed a chunk of time that is mine as my own. I am still in the middle of people by having lunch indoors (it’s too hot outside to eat outside!) but I tuck myself into a table, and I bring my food and my book, and I read and take notes and pause to discuss things with Poseidon. I’ve come home often this week and started stories to Beth about, “So, we talked about this thing,” and I honestly can’t remember the last time that happened regularly. My coworkers aren’t horrible; I simply need the space, the quiet, the mental space in the middle of the day to be “off”. Simple and basic and “duh”. Because of this, natural boundaries are establishing themselves. I have more patience and compassion for other coworkers and, most importantly, the little things that irk me about others irk me way less. They’ve begun to just roll off my back. Not all — there are some things that are incredibly frustrating, and this week has been stressful because our manager resigned last week, and so we’re short staffed, and we’re waiting for the changes to settle in, and we’re working our butts off now that we no longer have to sneak around the manager to do our jobs — good stress and bad stress, it’s all stress. But, it’s been okay. And I reclaimed five hours of my time to devote to myself, and my studying, and spending time with Poseidon.
Being online less has certainly helped, and I’m going to continue that trend. I’ve lost a certain amount of need to respond to comments and emails RIGHT AWAY. I haven’t hit a happy medium with emails, yet — I have a few outstanding ones — but, it’s okay.
Musing about my grandparents a lot this week. I realize I knew them as my grandparents, so I don’t know the ups and downs, the struggle with depression, if there was ever any. I tend to think of my family as having chronic depression issues — it’s certainly true of my mother and my brothers and myself — but I tend to spread that back to my grandmother, too, and my aunt to a degree, and I don’t know that that’s actually true. With my grandparents, I don’t hold evidence of it in my memories — even with her siblings dying (and she was the last of seven) I don’t remember my grandmother ever being chronically depressed over it. Situation depression, sure! But, she was always, always laughing, there was always always joy and verve, really. With my grandfather, too. And, I miss them terribly . . . and at the same time, I don’t, because I don’t really get the sense that they’ve *gone* anywhere. I have conversations with them both, regularly, and they’re better than they used to be, because my grandfather can hear me, and my grandmother can branch out beyond her cycle of questions that she stuck with toward the end. It’s like speaking to my grandmother of a decade or more ago.
But, I think of them, and I want to experience that joy, that verve. I don’t know that I’ll ever be free of my melancholia, and I’m mostly okay with that. I just . . . there are wonderful things in our universe, and I want to be mindful of that. This week, it’s been so apparent, and it’s been nice. Beyond nice. “Hey, Poseidon is in my life. Odin is in my life. These other gods are a part of my family, these spirits are kin, these critters are my family . . . this is sort of amazing.” I am newly in love with *being*, right now. I like it.