Largely due to the fact that I’m home for the third day with immense back pain, and I want distractions. I’m unable to stay in one position for too long, which is making distractions . . . interesting. Because of this, you get subjected to randomly spiritual related babbles. Lucky you!
Last night was our Lammas seidhr night. For those not in the know, Beth is our seidhkona; I’m just the lowly warder, scribe, and drummer. The formality of our rituals fluctuate — for example, when the questions are mostly just aimed at Odin? It tends to be rather low on the bells and whistles. But if the queries are wider ranging than that, we tend to be more formal. I’ve noticed that the time of year can make a difference, too. Generally, we play it by ear, and so far, we’ve had nothing but success.
Oddly, seidhr nights tend to be intense for me. Odd, considering that I’m not in the high seat. My warding ritual is never exactly the same. Some things don’t change: the space is always ringed with Valknuts, swastikas, and specifically aimed Thurisaz. I’ve tried forgoing the swastika — I’m not stupid and I’m not heartless and it’s not an *easy* symbol to use, yet it veritably *weeps* with the taint that has sullied it, and using it in a holy, pure place and purpose works to cleanse it. Will I ever use it openly in public? Likely not, not when we have access to it via the Sunwheel. But at home, in our sacred space? It’s one of the most *clean* and simple symbols I’ve encountered, in its purpose, and I use it. But, I’ve digressed already. (See? Babble.)
Sometimes there’s calling forth our spirits. Sometimes there’s galder. Sometimes smudging and drumming out the space. It’s never the same, and I go as I’m directed. It is *always* amazing. Something inside me *always* clicks. There is, inside of me, a desire to Protect, that goes beyond being a caretaker of animals, and warding makes that part of me sing.
There has been, in recent weeks, a healing between my father and I. I am positive he made an appearance last night. I suspect my grandfather did as well, mostly out of curiosity. Because it’s so soon, I’m not sure that I didn’t imagine his presence, if just the awareness of his having passed from the mortal realm was overwhelming. Whether he was there or not, I expressed my utter love for him, and asked that he leave for now, as it was too soon, and I had responsibilities for the night, and I couldn’t do that *and* fall apart, and his being there would only make me fall apart. The awareness of him in my mind faded, but easily, with kindness.
There was conversation, about things neglected, about relationships that could stand attention, about better time management, about healing. A bit about Apollo. Nothing big, nothing earth-shattering. Gentle reminders of presence.
And I remembered that I have a crush on the drum.
I’ve completely dropped the Pagan Blog Project. I actually dropped *most* of my writing, save for a story here and here. I’m struggling with that. I’ve got a guest-blog post to write, about Fairy Queen, and I’m not sure how to handle it. I don’t want to shove my paganness down my readers throats, but talking specifically about Fairy Queen is hard — I am unable to divorce this collection from my paganness, since the whole collection is a giant “thank you” to the spirits of my locale. I want to write the guest blog post light-heartedly, and I thought of tapping into the “go your own way” pioneering spirit of this area . . . but I don’t know that light-hearted is the way to go. I need to have it written by the end of the week. I’m just not sure how to handle it.
I’m inordinately infatuated with reading various modesty-inspired Christian blogs. I don’t mean to, but I’m fascinated by the time and effort many put into their lifestyle, into homeschooling their children, into making home be the center of their lives. I’m not stupid (no, really) and so I realize why this appeals to me on a number of levels, including my inner child who wishes things had been different, before. It doesn’t help that, as far as pagans go, I’m pretty conservative in my world-view. And, well, as they write and blog, they talk about things like compassion, etc. I find myself, often, wanting to comment, but I realize that’s opening up cans of worms I don’t need to. Often, conversation cannot really happen. But the blogs are still fascinating.
And that’s all the sitting down for now I’ve got in me.